walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize