I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
