butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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