Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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