Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
