I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
