in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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