What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
