Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
