I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
