By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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