i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
