Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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