That's when you crack a 10am beer
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
