Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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