wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
