I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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