so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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