Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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