"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
She's not a foreskin expert like you
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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