she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
