I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
