I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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