how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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