last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
