I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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