why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
