I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
