My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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