Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
