I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
