i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
