I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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