True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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