i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
