I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
