So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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