Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
