girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
