Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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