Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
