I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Less talking, more tequila
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
