I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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