Cold hands, warm shart.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
