Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
