Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
