i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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