How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
