I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
