she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
