i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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