please come you make the beer taste better
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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