Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
