he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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