I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
