There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
