tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
