Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
