Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
