I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Someone came in the potted fern
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Randomize
