You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You need a sexual gate keeper
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
