she woke up with a sticky ear
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize