Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
